Thursday, August 31, 2006
its a dilemma to decide what to do.
but i did it without asking him.
i told the truth out to someone i know i dont wanna lie to.
it was a mistake right from the start.
often, i would ask myself if i should clarify.
but the more people know, the worst it'll get.
i dont wanna drag anyone down anymore.
not those bunch of guys that i hang around with from cls.
prelims this week pulled me out of that dilemma.
but when there's spare time to rest.
i think about everything.
that includes the lie.
white lie as wht others said.
but even if it is a white lie, i shouldn't have lied to tht someone in the first place.
so i told the truth.
i dont know how tht someone felt, but im feeling guilty and bad.
guilty of hiding things for so long.
but since the truth is out to tht someone, what matters most is to look forward.
:)
spent the rest of the time waiting for him.
telling him what i wna say.
and hang out with him and his bunch of joker friends.
nice people but always makes me laugh.
its now or never.
blogged at
5:15 PM
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
sometimes i wonder whats my mom made up of.
she's an ass sometimes i tell u.
i dont care if my bro sees this or whatsoever.
it was her who pissed me off first.
she gave me no chance to speak.
and she was using that bitchy tone when she blabber her way through.
whats her problem lahs!
I DID NOT COMMENT MUCH ON THE PURE GEOG MCQ WHICH WAS POSTPONED.
I MERELY SAID ITS DUMB WHEN PEOPLE CELEBRATE AND WE"RE HAVIN EXAMS.
thats all.
and she gave me no chance to speak up OKAYS.
get away from me.
prelims is still on, but there's no paper until 12 days later.
so i taking a break.
but thank my mom who spoiled my mood by pissin me off.
rwarrrrrs.
i dont feel like bloggin anymore.
grrrrr.
its been a month since it last happen.still, what is your stand?dont accomodate me just so i'll happy.i wna u to be happy too.u make me the happiest girl on earth, but broke me hard too.
blogged at
4:55 PM
Saturday, August 26, 2006
this should have been written on 16 aug.
but i forget so.
so here it goes.
16 Aug 2006 its been a year since granny left.
a year.
a torn and tattered year since she was gone.
family disputes, arguments.
its wearin everyone down.
but others might say, u're just a child!
how affected will u get?!
the answer is obviously A LOT.
granny has been there with me since i was a baby.
holding me close like her precious gem.
we stay next door to each other.
and without fail, she'll drop by.
when i was in kindergardens, she'll bring me to sch.
and fetch me when i'm done.
primary 2.
the first year studying in the mornin stream.
granny came over and woke me up.
see if i'm awake or not.
when her leg hadn't hurt that much, she would go to the market.
buy me anything she thinks look nice on me.
my hairband now was the one she bought for me.
so i could wear it to sch for primary 1.
the tibits at her house was always for me.
without fail, she'll ask me to go over and eat them.
till now, i still rmb how she defended me when mom wacked me.
how she coax me when i'm chased out of the house.
but things changed when we shifted.
a year after we shifted.
granny shifted house too.
visiting her was not that often.
the most was just bringing her out for dimsum.
and we drove her to east coast.
days passed.
1st aunt departed.
i knew granny was sad.
she was even though she was always at loggerhands with 1st aunt.
everyone was her child.
granny's child.
i was with her on the first night,
making sure she was asleep before i went down to the wake.
then came the family dispute.
shalln't elaborate here.
granny loathes that stupid man.
i loathe him too.
last year aug,
granny fell ill.
it was just a flu.
but it never got well.
instead, it went worst.
it was on a sunday noon.
3rd aunt called and say she couldn't wake granny up.
and that granny didn't had any response.
i was scared.
frightened.
but i had to stay home till mom returns from the temple.
granny got admitted to the hospt.
all i knew was just some dehydration.
but this was not the end of her suffering.
grany had a major stroke which paralysed the left of her body.
but still, she knew i was thr to visit her.
she gave me a squeeze when i asked her to ans me.
my heart hurts as much and no one could really understands it.
then came the worst.
the last straw.
another major stroke which paralysed her totally.
she could no longer opened her eyes.
and she was grasping for air.
tubes hung all around her.
15 aug 2005
the doctor called 3rd aunt and told her to prepared for the worst.
as things were not lookin good.
and she might not live it past the night.
i went to the hospt with bro till late in the night.
i had to go home cause there was school the nxt day.
i hated to go home.
i wanted to be there.
standin next to her.
16 aug 2005.
dad drove me to school as usual.
i told everyone, im gng to the hospt right after sch.
i wna be there with granny.
but when sch ended.
my biggest fear arrived.
called dad and he told me granny left in the mornin at 7.30am.
why?!
why hadn't they tell me all along?
why do they keep it from me?
the wake was tiring.
and i hadn't had the mood to study.
worst still, end of yr was coming.
now, its been a year already.
i hadn't really get used to it.
to find granny not at home.
and further family dispute arose.
im affected greatly.
very badly.
i really want her by my side.
to ask me if i'm fine.
to call me meimei.
to ask if i'm copin well with my sch work.
but it's never gna happen.
she's no longer there.
her tears flow and she realise she need his hug badly
blogged at
8:00 PM
social studies is really driving people nuts.
and to be frank, i hadn't touched my pure geog at all!
time's runnin out.
and im here at home alone, just so i can study more instead of going out for lunch.
my flu's still here.
shucks.
today's a nice weather to get out.
NO NO.
studies is more important.
whatever.
off to cont studying agains.
HOME ALONE SOMETIMES IS NICE.
but i miss charlotte whn i don't go gram's place.
the wish that i held on.its for life.and whatever i ask for, u'll do it just for me.sometimes, i ask myself why do u give in so much to me?i'd rather u getting angry with my immaturities.so i'll learnt my lesson.but you dont.you tolerate everytime cause u said u won't get angry easily.pls, dont give in anymore.u were the one who dote me most, but break me the hardest too.my immaturities are my sign of weakness.u gave me happiness no one could.u made me smile whenever im down.for u are the only one who could do it.no one else could.everyone failed badly.only u could.its only you.
blogged at
1:11 PM
Friday, August 25, 2006
3 more days to PRELIMS!
arggh, i shouldn't be online.
should have been studying so hard.
IM A PROCRASTINATOR.!
whtever.
(:
pure geog mcq paper is postponed to 12 sept.
which means, i'll still have to revise my geog during the hols.
OKAYS.
that adds another subject to my list.
actually, i dont mind not watchin the concert ehs.
HAHS.
28 aug - science pratical
29 aug - social studies
30 aug - el paper 1
- pure geog paper 2(SEQ)
11 sept - E maths paper 1
- chemistry paper 2
12 sept - el paper 2
- pure geog paper 1(MCQ)
13 sept - physics paper 2
- comb science MCQ
14 sept - history elective
- E maths paper 2
END OF PRELIM...
weeeees.
and whn prelims is over, its done to 53 days to O lvl.
so fast huh, but im gna go sentosa with clar first!
im waiting, waitin for 15 SEPT.!
she hides her tears with a smile.and she tell herself.when the day the two part is the day she knows she's not gd enough.dont give in to me whnever things gets tough.i wont want that.what i want is to be true to urself and to myself.dont lie whn u shouldn't.my heart tells me its ending.
blogged at
6:11 PM
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Rihanna - unfaithful.
if studyin hard now means goin crazy.
i rather not study.
BUT I CANT, cause PRELIMS IS IN 4 DAYS TIME.
crapshit.
i spend hours just studyin one chapter for SS today.
im such a bum.
im always one aint i.?
the stress is up to the neck and if i dont come online.
i think i'll just end up cryin in front of those wordings.
THANKS SO MUCH TO MEJIT SINGH.
blahs-
we hadn't talked for days.
the crack tht appeared.
no one knew wht happen.
i knew best.
cause thing shouldn't have been like this from the start.
it shouldn't.
things gettin complicated.
super complicated.
and i realise i've sink deeper.
restrictions.
everything.
BOYFRIEND, IM DYING HERE.
):
if u were to hold me close to u and tell me u wont leave me.if u were to give me a hug and say u'll always be there.if u were to walk me through this journey hand in hand with me.its u that gives me the assurance no one else could.only u.yes. YOU.!
blogged at
9:55 PM
Sunday, August 20, 2006
i studied pure geog today.
on settlements.
mug through all the mcqs and did the SEQ.
and now, im rushing through for physics.
i dont know if there's a test on tml or whatever.
just study bahs.
its for my own good too.
fightin with the drowsiness too.
BOOOS.
i almost missed my stop when i came home.
hahs, sounds so silly.
sometimes, i really hate that silence.
but u were my source of motivation.
i cant stand myself whn i looked at u muggin hard.
that makes me wna mug hard too.
so there goes the motivation.
but i dislike the silence.
i love it when we blabber non stop.
its all so diff.
would we turn our back on each other.?
will we.?
u made me what i am today.but because of who i am today.i've decided to be firm and grow up.maybe one day, i wont even need u.hahs.nahs, i'll still need u.
blogged at
11:05 PM
Saturday, August 19, 2006
pure dumbness.
well, u wont know how things is.
complicated but yet, silly.
studying hard is what we should do now.
but still, come to think of it people don't know how to spend their time wisely.
studyin NOT.
but instead, being a b*.
sigh.
didn't people always say thats what is gna happen in their life is all god's plan.?
but how come, some still blame Him for plannin it this way.
BE APPRECIATIVE mans.
god planned it specially for u.
so dont grumble mahs.
irregardless of whatever emotion, learn to take them in ur stride.
i learned my lesson.
havent u.?
no matter what, its studies thats more impt now than anything.
yes, that includes boyfriend.
lols.
no time for meeting up.
no time for msgin.
he's busy studyin.
im busy studyin too.
but trust and believe withstand all obstacles.
hahs.
still a lil sick after the medicine.
drowsy as always.
so im off to bed and wake up ealry tml to study.
then its down to meeting boyfriend.
my guardian angel who protects me from everything.WITH LOVE.
blogged at
10:44 PM
Friday, August 18, 2006
no music.
nothing.
signs of uneasiness got hold of me.
grumbles-
went to the doctor today.
my vocal is swollen.
thats according to the doc.
and my flu's bad.
right now, im super drowsy.
but i cant slp yet.
some unsettled homework and all.
bf, i dont know how to say.my heart's thumping fast.and i dont know if i should say.will everything turn sour instead.?it takes so much courage.but im still blur, lost.
blogged at
10:08 PM
Thursday, August 17, 2006
it got worst.
okays okays.
im goin to the doc tml.
sigh, though don't like but got no choice le.
my throat's super painful now.
and i got breathless while climbing the stairs.
but i played ball against teacher after remedial.
OH HOR.!
hahs, im itchying for my netball.
so beared with my flu and cough.
PLAYED.!
weeeeeees.
contented is what i say for now.
im glad things have gone back to how it used to be.the normal talkin in class.me saying u stupid.u callin me stupid.heys, its just back to normal and im glad.i really am. (:boyfriend.sometimes i realy wondered if we had to do this.u knew i regreted.but tell me to be firm.its not easy from the start i should say.u were the assurance i needed.my sense of security when im afraid.my wonderful boyfriend.
blogged at
8:56 PM
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
proclaim.
SHAN'S A SICK ASS NOW.
yes, thats what i am.
and i think my head's bursting now.
lols.
history test was cancelled today.
to think i studied till 12 plus for it and slpt only 5 hours.
how dumb alrights.
gna go off to slack.
i cant fall back to sleep.
but im suffering here.
never asked me to go to the doctors.
cause i dislike my doctor.
unless, u're willing to go with me.
then i wont mind.
i wonder if jill's feelin lonely at cewei's place.
its high time i buy another to accompny her.
BUT WHERE.?
i wish i weren't a weakling.so i can be independent.but i realise, i need ur care and concern.my guardian angel. U.
blogged at
6:03 PM
i shouldn't be online.
but had to come online to study for hist test.
el o lvl oral's today.
still okay bahs.
wilson says he's gna kill me for saying its alrights.
WAHAHAHS.
walked in the drizzle.
came home.
slpt.
and HAHAS.
i came down with a flu.
best still, a fever now.
how wonderful huh.
cant believe im such a weakling.
thoughts straighten up.
i've done whatever i could.
its all left for him to decide his own routes.
its his life.
so why should i get upset with it when he dont treasure it.?
silly me.
i wish he would start studyin and stop playin.
chem and hist test tml.
way to go shan.!
its only 13 days left to prelims.my flu's making me use up a box of tissue.it feels awful.can i have a hug.?
blogged at
12:16 AM
Sunday, August 13, 2006
TANK - gei wo ni de ai.
im a good girl today who study.
and think nothing more.
ohs ohs.
the only thing that came to my mind was.
to find a companion for jill.
lols.
that lovely girl.
chem bonding is so BORING.
but if i had my TYS last yr.
i wouldn't know how to do at all.
'cause i only know methane, alloy this year.
so it's kinda dumb.
but nvm, for the sake of good results.
yes yes. (:
im going for dental on fri.!
after some donkey months.
i'm able to go and change my bands.
okays, this is so random.
watched the philips singapore cup just now.
group 2 finals.
singapore all stars against melbourne tigers.
its interesting and i see some familiar faces.
nice match guys.
i getting hold of myself.not letting myself fall further.boy, u made me learn lots of things ystd night.i'm not gna let u down.
blogged at
5:19 PM
Saturday, August 12, 2006
my mind's in a whirl.
I DONT WNA THINK.
i wish nothing had happen from the start.
could everything start from scratch again.?
its all killing me.
every single thing matters.
turn back time pls.
prelim's 16 days away.
im not studyin.
i've been slacking.
WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSE TO BE.?
i should be studying instead.
not letting all these stuffs take over me.
didn't i say im able to handle them.?
where's the huishan that take things with a smile.?
how come the huishan now only knows how to burry herself in tears.?
if only she knows the answer to everything.
motivate me.
push me.
i dont wna this all.
STUDY IS ALL I WNA.
he cant be cause he's not u.and u're the one.
blogged at
11:05 PM
Friday, August 11, 2006
unfaithful - rihanna.
today's strange.
first the good.
then the bad when im home.
you utterly make me feel like a fool.
i cared out of concern.
and u told me to pls shut up.
whats the prob with u.?!
u think i have nothing better to do.?
NO.
i have many better things to do.
but i chose to msg u and tell u to take cares.
unappreciative.
fine, i'll shut up.
i'll never care 'bout u anymore.
NEVER WILL.
i dont deserve that attitude even u said sorry.
daughter send me the photos of my babies.
my adorable jack tht i miss dearly.
my adorable babies.!
i miss jack.
jill's at cewei's house trying to swim forward.
LOLS.
im buyin a bigger tank soon.
looks like it was my babies that make me feel a lil better after some crap shit ruin my day.
SCREW THAT ASS.
blogged at
8:37 PM
Thursday, August 10, 2006
when u say nothing at all - ronan keating.
slacker ass.
i couldn't study cause i wasn't well.
that leads me to sleeping always.
tml's the day.
we take our chinese result.
nerve racking is it.
boyfriend told me.
i'll always do well if i dont stop trying.
but i wna get this done once and for all.
chinese is something that i can be proud of.
but i dont wna look like a loser tml by scoring a B3 or a B4.
it contradicts.
i know i didn't really put in my effort or maybe i expected much more from myself.
its strange now.
well, i should be contented with what i work hard for.
i gain what i sow.
no point thinkin so much isn't it.
pfft, im just contradicting myself now.
tml's fri.
should i start studying and stop slacking.?
NO NO.
it should be.
i start studying.
there's not much time left to prelimg.
and look at the stuffs i dont know.
its as thick as my bed is.
i wna a study partner who scolds me so i'll study.
chuanlian always scold me to get off the comp so i'll study.
i like tht.
but she has her stuffs to be busy about.
my boyfriend who is busy studying for his promo exams now.
cause he slacked through for tues and ystd.
he wants to see the fireworks tml.
but too bad, he has to study.
i wna watch the fireworks on tml.
but too bad, i have to start revision before its too late.
my sense of security.assurance.thanks so much boyfriend.u're wonderful to me tht i exclaim to the whole world.
blogged at
10:53 PM
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
IM A NOOOB.!
who waited three hours for the fireworks display.
but most importantly, i got a superb good seat.
FIRST CLASS VIEW OF THE FIREWORKS.!
girlfriend enjoyed her day today.
she loves her present too.!
wee heeees.
im a little hungry.
but time being.
a lil photos.
upload all will take me till 2 AM.
lols.
girlfriend's present.
the rest till tml.
boyfriend loves his title.
MY WONDERFUL BOYFRIEND.
ooooohhhs.
and im a NOOOB. (:
he's wonderful, im a nooob.
blogged at
12:12 AM
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
rihanna - unfaithful
YSTDcaught a cold.
got down with a bad bad headache.
and thus, i skipped remedial.
im sure it wasn't migraine.
it must have been a cold.
sweating and walkin into a super cold place must be it.
TODAYnational celebration in sch.
watched the parade LIVE.
cant belive im graduating already.
sigh-
im catchin the fireworks tonight. (:
with girlfriend.
my boyfriend would rather stay at home i guess.
i wna watch too fast too furious - tokyo drift.
im glad u're feelin better.yes, time.u'll find ur happiness.someone who truly loves u.best wishes.
blogged at
11:53 AM
Sunday, August 06, 2006
where'd u go - fort minor
phy test on tml.
i wna pass it.!
the confidence's shaken.
i dont know if i can do it.
but i'll try.
radioactivity & electromagnetic induction.
IM GOING OUT WITH GIRLFRIEND ON TUES.!
(:
she's gna be surprised by me.
hees hees hess.
something's nice to listen to:
rihanna - unfaithful
[Intro]
Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company
[Verse 1]
Hes more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
But clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true
[Hook]
And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guyI can see him dying
[Chorus]
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...A murderer
[Verse 2]
I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
As if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well
[Hook]
Cause I know that he knows
I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying
[Chorus]
[Outro]
Our Love, his trustI might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over withI don't wanna do this
Anymore (anymore)
[Hook]
----------------------------------
my wonderboy. (:
blogged at
5:39 PM
Saturday, August 05, 2006
nick lachey - what's left of me.
emo week still runs.
yaddahs yaddahs.
monday would be a better day.
(:
wnt to the temple in the mornin.
granny's 1st yr anniversary.
i threw thantrums.
dad's fault.
i was holding on to the cup of tea.
and i greeted 4th aunt.
dad's action more thn badminton.
hit my cup of tea and everything spilt on the floor.
and he SCOLDED ME.
as if its my fault.
and i got pissed off.
so i didn't really like pay respect to granny.
blacked my face.
mom told 4th and 3rd aunt.
anyone that step on my tail is so dead.
and my dad just stepped on my tail.
im glad she knows.
wnt to meet boyfriend in the evenin.
he's a wonderboy.
never fails to make me smile out of everything.
three cheers.!
the promise tht i need to honour may take awhile.
but be sure i'll do them.
boyfriend's been sick for a month.
but he avoided the topic whn i asked him to see a doc.
grrrrrrrr.
baby jack left the world last night.
it broke my heart to hear that.
jack and jill means truckloads to me.
my best bday gift i ever had.
i'll make it a point to play with jill.
MILU BING WON SUPERBAND (:
its gettin late.no more thinkin of anything.u aint alone girl.dont stress yourself so much.WITH LOVE;
blogged at
11:57 PM
Friday, August 04, 2006
wo hui hao hao guo - nicky li.
it broke my heart to hear wht i fear most.
no one understand.
why is this happenin.?
tell me will u.?
things have gone wrong.
way wrong.
it isn't suppose to be this way.
IT ISN'T.!
i know i've hurt u deep.
but i've no choice.
i really dont.
i so wna die right now.
I REALLY DO.
the tears that flows again.
blogged at
11:41 PM
i asked myself.
if i did the wrong thing at the wrong time.
prelim's less than a month.
and by doin this.
im only leaving him to die on his own.
i dont know what to do.
boyfriend assured me last night.
telling me not to anyhow think.
but i cant.
i really cant.
i realise i need boyfriend badly.it was me that cause everything.it was me that turn things round.if i weren't around, nothing of such would happen.i should have been long gone.
blogged at
6:36 PM
Thursday, August 03, 2006
3 door down - here without u.
she said i cheated.
and she wrote it extremely big on my test papers.
"YOUR ANS ARE THE SAME AS XXX, PLS BE MORE SERIOUS IN UR WORK!"
yes, thats MARIA GOH for your info.
which nerve in my brain would go wrong and made me cheat.?!
OBVIOUSLY I DIDNT.
if i did, why would i still get 19/40.
i admit it too, im the only one who fails.!
that was the last straw.
everything just sort of collasped.
i reflected.
was i really not serious.?
or did i not put in TONS of effort.
NO.
i put in all my effort.
racked my brains for the answers.
everyone knows, that my map reading was disastrous.
so what happened.?
should i start burrying myself into my books like hw i used to.?
yes of course.
prelims's less than A MONTH.
25 days ONLY.
everything came as it was.
im just a human being too.
i wouldn't know what to do if u weren't here.my source of support.my source of happiness.
I WANT THIS BAG.!
she who broke down.
blogged at
7:24 PM
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
rihanna - unfaithful
perfect song to fit the prfect mood.
down down down.
blues blues blues.
im not suppose to be online now.
IM NOT.
im suppose to be stuydin.
sticking to my timetable.
but here i am.
typing this out.
ups and downs.
emo week prolonged till now.
yes now.
if i have a wish.
i wish to disappear and be with granny.
so i wouldn't add up to ur sufferings.
im sry.
utterly sorry.
maybe by sayin sorry wouldn't cure everything.
im afraid to go sch everyday.
i really am.
steppin into class takes courage.
i ignored u.
purely on purpose.
so u'll give up faster.
but when i realised its not working.
i hate myself.
for giving those false hopes.
i lost my freedom.
i lost myself to selfishness. -
was there such a word.?i lost myself to love.
i just wna study.
i didn't wna all these things.
on the verge of breaking down.
i really am.
many time, i wish i weren't here.so no one suffers.many time, i wish i had terminal illness.so i wont have the time to think.many time, i wish i were strong enough.to handle all this.many time, i wish i didn't know how to cry.so i wouldn't shed tears.im sry.as i snuggles into my bed.i reflect on what i did today.i wish i were better off dead.screw me.
blogged at
6:43 PM
